Txt msgs, First Quarter of 2010

I've decided to only do these once every three months. Every 'quarter' if you will. I promise that maybe one day I will start blogging again.

January

Brittany: Penis

Scott: Scott? Who's Scott?!?

Kat: Dude, fully stocked mini fridge. It's like they wanted me to have a party.

Emily: OMG! Talk with him before he starts tripping.

Oliver: SHOOTIN GUNS BITCHES
Oliver: just guns with the shooting. not shooting bitches.

Brittany: Personalize ur booze texts!
Brittany: I DESERVE MY OWN SHIT!!!!!!!

Mary: Guy in sequin jacket?

S: Those who know, do. Those that don't, yap their pie holes at parties.

Cache: Hehe...I'm a leg humper...hahahahahahaha

Alex: Sweet. You still have time to sober up, go out, and get drunk again. The night is young.

Rhett: Omg. We're playing against Tits-No-Face.

Brittany: BOOM!

Alex: I am going to kill so many villagers. Er, uh, natives.
Alex: Can I borrow you?
Alex: It's not that I want to burn anyone to death.

February

Oliver: you know...if someone were to judge you by your text messages, they might think you had a drinking problem.

Hillary: *we* did, but our team was full of idiots.

Oliver: sick octo.

Bernadette: My mom just said she loves Sarah Palin. Can I get off the rock any faster?

Ron: Hey, what's the name of the hats that Devo wears?

Me: Energy domes. Why?

Ron: Strategic BBQ purposes.

Angela: Now that I'm no longer drunk, I think that rice would be awesome with the beef stew!

Sean: You're running out of time.

Sean: Like a douche wrapped up in the night.

Sean: And I'm here. To remind you. Of the mess that you left when you went away. It's not fair, to deny me...You you you outta know.

Angela: I hate having to sleep.

Hillary: I might be watching new season of '16 and Pregnant'

Bernadette: "IKEA", not "okra". Damn auto-correct.

Melody: Do people wear super thick snow jackets there? Or would I look like a douche?

Ron: Livin' On A Prayer still equals Candice.

March

Kat:

OMG just ran after my runaway shopping cart in the Ikea parking lot & caught it inches away from slamming into a car. I feel like a superhero.

Scott:

[picture message with a picture of his own copy of this shirt]

"Admit it, you've never loved me more. =)"

Gail:
MAKE MY DINNER U LAZY BUMS

Alex:

I am so proud of you. My hangover is hungover. GOOD TIMES.

then...

Alex:

I think I am still drunk from last night. I feel really salty. Are you still standing?

later...

Alex:

I want to crawl into a ditch and die, but the crawling would take too much effort.

Brittany:

Must. Have. Pho. Tomorrow. Please. Advise.

Gail:

WTF. Bridget keeps calling Steven Colbert 'Grandpa'. 2 year-olds are weird.

Angela:
No don't!!! Be Punk Rock for me!

Alex:

I am RIGHT on the corner of Castro & Market. Total protest action. Gay men in thongs.

Angela:

Rib eye steak blah blah blah

Ruby:

MJ sent us the magic box

Brittany:

Fuxk I want dim sum. Monday...=...funday?

Alex:

Are you serious? 1) Take pictures for blog. 2) This means the Gods don't want you to go home. Think about it.

Goodbye 2009, hello 2010. hi text messages.

I KNOW i keep doing these, but this time i saved it for a few months and then decided to publish it.

November:

Richard:
The Filipino has landed.

Alex:
This is bravo zero. I am at madrone. I repeat: I am at madrone. Over.

Brittany:
Nothing like a vamp to lift ur spirits. BTW guess who has two thumbs and is soooo considering dim sum at this exact moment? This girl!

Brittany:
Just sang Livin' On A Prayer just for u.

Scott:
Ah. I've got dinner plans =(
(Implied subtext: with a girl)

Alex:
Sonofabitch, I typed "Kona" and it autotext suggested "Jonas"

December:

Brent:
Thanks for calling me a bitch.

Sean:
The process of sending Change Report is like giving birth each time. And I don't mean caesarean section.

Stan:
Can you grab me one? I got rum.

Sister:
I was changing [your niece's] diaper just now and she said "i hungry"
Me: "What do you want to eat"
Niece: "Spam, rice, eggs."
NO LIE.

Sean:
And support the president, bitch!
And: "Yelp is NOT a diary, motherfucker!"

Scott:
Oh! Totally want to go, but I am hung.

(over)


Melody:
Bad news. Might have to break up with joel. Says he doesn't like bon jovi. Doesn't know them too well. The bastard.


Rhett:
Whore.

Megan:
Perfect. Miso happy. (i was sitting right next to her)

Brittany:
I bet you feel like shit.

Oliver (right outside my door)
Sup can i come in or what?

Brendan:
CONFIRMED: Avatar uses papyrus subtitles.

Scott:
Ha ha. Just join a threesome to make it less awkward.

Oliver:
heh fuck that guy

Alex:
I think you might have texted the wrong dude but it's super-nice to hear from you.

Brittany: From across the bus
Yeah u? Lookin mighty fine in dem jeans!

Scott:
I'M TIRED OF THIS MOTHERFUCKIN' COBBLER!

Gail:
Sheesh lady r u alive in there?

Person:
The chances of me having a Pants-free NYE are slim to none.


JANUARY

Oliver:
Was I a superhero?

Anonymous male:
Oooooooooooh. Would it be wrong of me to hit on him if I was your date?

Me to Oliver: Drunnnnnnkkkkkk!
Oliver: It ain't even 8. impressive.

Brittany (6:52pm):
THIS is why i love you!
Brittany (6:55pm):
I fucking hate you.

Oliver:
You, madam, are a lush.

Rhett:
Ok, don't panic if u beat us.

Rhett:
Quit mass texting. I want a personal notice.
Oliver:
c-town for the hat trick!
Brittany:
How dare u get drunk for Rhett?
Rhett:
THANK YOU.

Oliver:
is everything fucked?
Oliver:
gay men will do that to ya.

Sean:
Good. Sorry about the poop. Not that I did it.

Greg:
Can't take you anywhere with me :)
LOL What a little minx

Sean:
I want you to know that I am no longer a clone tool virgin.

Jay:
Totally drunk. I wanna get away from this group of people.

Me:
Candice is to BSD Forms as Sean is to Clone Tool.
Sean:
!!! Best analogy ever

Scott:
Hey, what's the plan tonight? (Is there a plan tonight?)

Scott:
Yeah, pretty much all girls ride the hate-scott-love-scott-hate-scott train. ;-)

Brittany:
Make me breakfast!!!!

Keane:
Thanks so much for rocking out! Made a difference :)

Series of txts right after I left from my roomies right after I landed in LA

Tobi:
Crash your room ok?
Josh:
Is it okay if I crash in your room tonight?
Jeremy:
Hey, I'm really tired from watching tv can I shortcut into your room for snooze?
Me:
Um sure, but just to let you know I gave a random dude at a bar the keys to the garage.
Jeremy:
It's cool, Josh is parked in the garage tonight. Soooooo...Should I sleep Tops or bottom in your room?

Felix:
Have fun! Don't get arrested! Satan don't pay for bail.

Bernadette:
ha. Drunk texting BAD. Emphasis on TEXTING :|

Ron:
How is the s&m?
Lol no good! It could be awesomeness
Yay heat...0why am I still drinking??? 0 mebe I shoulda stayed with you guys...I am craving taco.

Gail:
Btw I asked doug if the [shooting] range was open on thanksgiving. It's like your "football"

Txt time.

Melody:
Remember no sudden movements tomorrow night. Or secret service might tackle you!

Gail:
Shut it. SHUT IT RIGHT NOW.

Brittany:
Hello Bangs!!!!

Sean:
Just spit out some more racist diatribe.

John:
Word to big bird.

Txt Msg Log September 29 - Oct 5

Jay:
Drunk.
And Naked.

Me: You last txt sounded like a bot.
Sean:
Thank you for your text. A representative will follow up with you shortly.

Gail:
Tell them to suck balls til they choke and die.
Also, their breadsticks r delish.

Kat:
I'm at a Yo-Yo competition right now full of guys who look like Candice's dream boat prototypes!

Text message log

It's starting to annoy me that this one fills up at 200 instead of the other one at like..800. I feel there's less gold everytime.

Maybe I just don't have as many interesting txts anymore, but here they are:

Mary:
They hated it. They ripped it up and peed on it.

Greg:
I'm quotable...that rocks more than a quarry.
Yeah that greg guy is funny.
After finding out he made the last txt msg blog

"Mom":
So drunk right now.
What happens when your sister has access to your mom's phone and your mom has no idea what a txt is...not the first time this has been sent to me from "mom"


Alex:
They know you by Name here. You fuckin lush.
from a winery

Later that day from my friend that works at that same winery
David:
He is a total jerk and I asked him to leave
He is a total drunk. What kind of people r u sending me"
He hit me with the late harvest and pinned me to the ground because I wouldn't serve him.

After I msg'd my other friend to make sure he was joking
Alex: I slammed that spam-eating gook to the ground w a bottle of late harvest sauvignon blanc

Younger Sister:
Whose wine is this in the fridge? I'm about to get CRUNK

Younger Sister:
Yeah. Hood lums are up in the day too.


Alex: (a few days after the "incident" at the windery)
You know I didn't actually insult or assault david, right? We were screwing with you?

and yes...i did know

Scott:
If u were gayer I would've helped u.

Gail:
I think the Dr. was wrong when she said B was "ahead". She just did brain age and her age was 80 =(

Scott:
I convinced everyone in maine to get a gay marriage. Even the straight people.

Sean:
Just heard that idaho consumes more spam than anywhere else. True or not true. Hawaiian?

txt msg log 8/22/09 - 09/13/09

this blog is going to start becoming TFLN. Although, this blog (and the txt blogs) are OLDER than TFLN... they do have some funny ass shit though.


August
Brittany: Btw u can only talk pidgin to me whilst in Hawai'i.
(Britt making her triumphant return to my txt msg blog has managed to dog "pidgin" and use the word "whilst" in the same sentence. Bravo.)

Greg: I wanna ride an ATV. Random desire.

Shane: 379-Zulu-alpha roger agent double0

Brittany: Ur loss hoe.

apparently i'm also great to ask for ideas while drinking:
Brittany: Dude drink more. U have gold in there. I miss u btw.
Brittany: Hmmm better. Chug.
Brittany: Damn girl! THAT'S GOOD!!! now take a shot and tell me more.

Scott: It's a liberal lie! We are the body of christ incarnate!

Greg: Oh well kido been a slice

Melody: Don't forget to call me when you land! And new episode of tool academy!



And after the trip was over i get this gem from
Greg: Sounds like an orgy...but less fun.

Text message log from Hawai'i!

I'm here and having a blast. Stupid text message thingy is full and I have to erase it now.

August:
That's not a bad thing unless they're not really gay. Keep your wits about you.

Melody:
[picture of drive thru menu]
Faiol: "Picture menus available at window."'''But how do they read it?

Jeff:
Jesus may be for reform. But the Jesus Bus followers are for gigantic signs and reminding us that we are fornicators.


Rhett:
is that what that burning sensation is?

Oliver:
kitten purchased. in car.

Greg:
Fun? Alcohol? Debauchery? Perhaps pineapple? Who knows?
Dost thou cup over runneth?
Has thoust drunk in abundance this evening?
7 shots is my guess.


not too much gold in this batch unfortunately.

txt msg log, July/27/09 - Aug/09/09

Home from a party but i want to do this so i can erase my inbox...

July 27th...it begins again

JULY
Jeff: Candace, Your organizing skills around bowling are impeccable.

Rhett: Yes, yes it has. I'm a little blury and bowling. After tonight I've got Tuesdays free again.
hint hint.

Joshua H: Fucked up night at work drunk!

Rhett: That's so syncronously sweet.
Rhett: The gods have smiled on u.

Jill: Will you text when you get home okay?
Ps. wow. how did michael get so wasted?

Rhett: One trip to serra bowl a week is my limit.
Rhett: Careful, philipinos can be dangerous.

Alex: I might be fucked up on rum.

Alex: That blows, fire a red flare.
Alex: Shit, the rescue plane was shot down. A flare hit it.

Schuyler: Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuure. That's coo. Accomplish things.

AUGUST
Gail: That's ok. If u weren't drunk I don't think [your niece]would b able 2 recognize u anyway.

Rhett: Yeah, crack whores.

Gail: I haz problems.

Jeff: You want some? I can bring it, but I'll probably eat most on the plane. Any I don't eat, I'm going to sell for $10.00/eggroll. What would you rather have as a passenger? Nuts or Lumpia? I should charge more.

Alex: I am recovering from last night.

Alex: I just realized "kinkos" is one letter off "kinky"

Oliver: You have a father?

Brittany: I'm disappointed in u.

Brittany: DRUNK. DRUNK. DRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNLLLKKKKK

Alex: I just acquired scattergories. You are consumed with jealousy.

Schuyler: Cops can go crooked sometimes.

August 9. inbox erased, here we go again!

More txt msgs!

It's just getting ridiculous how many txts i get now that i have a phone that's more suited to me SENDING them...I used to only do these blogs whenever it filled up. On the last one it was around the 700 mark...

JUNE
Jay: I'm fighitng it hy getting drunk?again...

me: My roommate thinks you're like us, you know...intelligent.
Ron: LOL, he has been fooled!

JULY:
One night:
Brittany: Drunnnnnnklkkk
Rhett: Druunnk
Brittany: You should meet us @ boardroom in 60 mins
Brittany: I'm at visuvios
Brittany: Rhett's House
Brittany: U took 2 long biatches
Brittany: Wanna smoke hookah?
end night


Kevin: I think it should become an expression of failure: "ah, this phonebank is so webinar"

Bernadette: That's nerdtastically hot!

Liz: It's Liz! pink is the new black by the way

Alex: So...Susan's numbah? Please?
Alex: Apparently that was NOT susan's number...

Oliver: your text was tops c-dizz

Brittany: Damn biych, I didn't know u could run!!!!

David: Quit looking at your phone and GET TO WORK

Gail: Aw. Tee Dis and bridget bonding over tattoos.

Alex: I can't tell if this is a gay bar or a hip bar in a gay city. Either way I'm gettin mad checked out.

Kate: You want to talk @ TOTALLY unfair? The Doctor Who panel is at the same time as the meet n' greet w the Mythbusters!

Same Night:
Rhett: Druuuuunk
Rhett: Fucked up. Whateves. Got nothing on u.
Rhett: I try. Ur in the right city. Don't panic. Just ur thing.
Rhett: I have no idea what we are talking about.
end night

txt msg log...so soon?

wow. now that i have a phone that doesn't die every call & has a useful keyboard...I keep filling up my txt msgs quickly!

here we go for the latter part of june:

June:
Gail: Hmmm. Well now I feel pressured 2 live up 2 ur expctations. I
ll call a caricaturist.

Jay M: Drubk is my trugh serum

Jay M: Otally waaasred

Giannii: If you're referring to my bed then yes.

Scott: U can do it!

Scott: Hey, I'm gonna go to horse racing (seriously)

Ron: That's just how i roll...Preview for next week! Prepare yoruself!

Kate: Damn you're important!
I just gave you a shout out on a Bon Jovi song :)

Bernadette: You need a bigger nerd dating pool to swim in.

Rhett: Down girl.

Gail: For crying out loud that's fabulous! worth missing elmo tho? I think NOT! Loser!

Oliver: How do I get closer to your house?

Brittany: Drunk. Well almost. Goddamned Sarah marshal!

Scott: I'm @ the opera. holy shit!

Greg: You sobered up yet?

Cleaning out my txt msgs again.

I have a new phone that makes it much easier to txt msg. As a result, I've been texting more & receiving more texts than ever before! Below is just 2 months worth (it got full already)

May

Kristin: TANG BANG

Kristin: Well let's tang bang again soon! I liked that bar.

Mom: Drunk!

Tobi: Gay

Brittany: No it starts at hooters in the city.

Scott: lucky dude! :-)

Sister: YES LETS DO THIS THANG!

Sister: Boo! She hates you that much huh? Don't we all!
Sister: Yes, it's hard 2 keep up the facade of friendship while fonduing. She knew her limits.
Sister:
"but it's so...palpable!"
"and so is my hatred for you"
"..but?.."
"NO! EVERYTHING TASTES BITTER RIGHT NOW!"

Brittany: drunk...
Brittany: Qellmy drunkenness lasted about ten minutes...

Jon: Met Ryan, Mel, Tim, and Andy tonight for dinner & the Long Beach College Bowl came up. I know I said 'will you stop spitting on me'. Was there a rain forest reference as well?

Scott: I love hate sf.

Brittany: So u drunk yet?

Scott: =( from now on i will never miss an episode of idol ever.

Scott: Pft, id rather lose than listen. :)

Oliver: napa again? fiend.

me: I'm high class drunk right now
Oliver: tranquila.
Rhett: I've always said that about you.

Stan: Done? U retiring early? So unlike u.

in response to my txt about going to canada:
Brittany: I'm not going anywhere with you! U mass text messager!!! Damn you.
Rhett: Wow I feel so special that u would invite me
Oliver: I've never been to like, normal Canada

Rhett: Well now you know where you went wrong

Rhett: Bitch.

Greg: Sounds like you got tryna get the hell outta dodge fever funny must be going around because I damn sure got it. :)

Oliver: f no

Scott: (rolls eyes) ;-)

Mike: Yep. After I eat this hotdog.

Keane: $3 martini and booth. Surprisingly awesome. Surprisingly.

Oliver: <3

David: yeah me too. I will feel much better when the lakers lose.

Scott: I did. i cried all night.

June

Sister: Yes. If it doesn't scare the crap out of her. R u home yet?

Sister: YOU HEARD ME

Scott: Ten bucks or i fwd to sfpd.

anonymous in response to "do you wanna go to the bar tonight": Planning on casual sex instead.

John S: Hold up, u don't talk to me for how long and you out of the blue ask me for another man's number? Wassup with that, and the number I have is so old i don't think it works.
John S: Sorry, I forgot to add the number cuz I am mad (number)

Greg: Vancouver strip clubs here we come!
Greg: Get me info Let's do this!

Tinna: Thank u for helping me surprise Ryan!!! He was truly terrified :)

Txt msg log #2

My phone’s starting to act really sluggish when it comes to txt msgs again, you know what that means, kids!

TXT MSG LOG TIME!

Are you ready? Buckle in.

Here we go, July 2008 – Jan 2009, Oldest first.

Sept 2008

Bernadette:

blah blah…I’ll just keep being rude and text people during dinner.

Bernadette:

It’s cool I went to dinner with cindy and joy and saw the absolute

hottest hapa guy ever eating dinner all by himself and I wanted to

jump on him.

Exchange:

Oliver:

:/

:(0)

Uh…smiley eating a kiwi

That doesn’t make sense.

I loves Rhett.

I loves Rhett and britt together. I loves you too. Love trinity.

With all of my heart

Only if britt will be in it too

This is oliver

WE ARE ONE

I know everything

She’s got a spot behind her left ear. She goes crazy

Hot. Rhetts got one too, I hear

John H B:

Ok, I’m on the edgesssssssss

Tobi:

When isn’t yelp happy hour?

Gail:

OMg SHUTUP that looks so awesomely badass!

Is it stable? I’m envious.

Kadecia:

What up! When are you planning to arrive? We got masks and are ready to role

Bernadette:

Ha! I just ran into josh and jeremy in north beach

I know he told me :)

No :) they were looking for their car

Bernadette:

I’m having drinks with the poodle in 20 minutes. OMGWTFBBQ!!!!

Rhett:

Drunk due to Helen.

Tobi:

Thanks I may pass I have like f bottles at home

Pat:

Anthropomorphize much?

Bernadette:

He said: I haven’t seen her in a long time!” Hehe. I’m drunk hahahahahaha

October 2008

Bernadette:

Lovefest sucks and its making my ears bleed.

What are you doing later?

Brittany:

Wow I just get a ‘hi’????

WTF question are you filled of beef tenderloin???

Rhett:

I would dress mostly normal…For u anyway.

just make sure you have socks.

Mohawk not required.

Pat:

Whatever. I be up 4ever. Took nap b4.

Brittany:

Can you twist ur ankle or

Soething so u guys can forfeit

And Rhett can go home and talk to his needy

Girl friend? Thanks in advance!

Pat:

Omg! Id be pissed. Id bite someone. Doctor or fellow patient.

John H B:

Why aren’t you fools answering your phones?

Gail:

B said her ass is banging in her green apple onesie shorts!

She’s so conceited.

Bernadette:
Lo just bought me two drinks. Omfg

Jeremy:
Hey Mo-Fo’s I’m back from napa and boy is my liver tired.

Rhett:

Oh babe get a cab. Say your address.

U Worry me, fucking drunk.

Nicole:

Thanks for having me lady! You guys rocked the wigs.

John HB:

So I think I’ll be popping my collar.

Brittany:
It’s possible that he wants to kill me.

Kristen:
Throw a sheep at him.

Gail:
Well, we didn’t win the lotto. Bummed.

John HB:

Sorry I’m now had enough to drink where you have become the 3^rd person.

John HB:
Long u long time…actually short time :(

Gail:
Don’t 4get to work on her Halloween pic. And make her ass look banging.

Gail:
Ur niece is asking for “tee”

Jeremy:
What the hell happened to the garage door?

Gail:
Really? Cool! She was the only one I showed it to so far.

Maybe mel = crackhead…?

Jill:

Would sarah palin as ms Alaska 1984 wear an elegant

satin black or filmy pink gown? More importantly,

which looks better w/ a rifle?

November 2008

Brittany:

I hate u…

Election night:

Kate:

Yay! Current electoral count 194 to 60-something

Gail:

Wooohooooo wooooooooooohooooo woohooooooooo

Gail:

Yup! Watching it now. Republicans still suck ass.

Oops…That last sentence was from B.

Gail:

While we’ve been talking politics, this is what mel had 2 say:

Why do people with bad breath breathe with their mouths open. In my face.

Rockthevote:

You did it. Record young voter turnout, deciding the election. This is just the beginning.

Brittany:
U a hoe.

Melody:
DRUNK

Melody:

Omg cheers (I think I txtd her back that I was also drunk)

Greg:

Really. Shut up and get outta here. Go hit someone with a pillow. That there crazy talk.

Josh:

“Ery 1 in da club getting’ tips”

Rhett:
Omg, I’m watching the episode of southpark that was MADE for u. Goths vs vamps.

Ur so lame.

Melody:

Dude are you drunk?

December 2008

Melody:

(picmsg of me in a horrible outfit when I was 10)

Well we both were. Just gramps put yours up. Ha ha ha.

Maybe if we went to public school we would have known how to dress.

Kate:
Guess who got selected for jury duty today…booooooo

Gail:

Text me…i'm getting my hair blow dried rt now. Republicans.

Ignore “Republicans”…It did an auto insert somehow.

Melody:
Florist called mom just now. To make sure she was home. No surprise anymore.

Melody:
What is twitter?

Rhett:

Whore.

Brittany:
Some dude just told me that ur a whore and let some chick lick u. Is this true, whore?

Rhett:

Mmmmmmmm beeeer

Rhett:

Txt me fool

Ok, I hear u, law is law. Be there after I finish my warmup.

Rhett:

Creepy as fuck.

Gail:

(picmsg of a dry erase board)

Found this waiting 4 me on my dry erase board in my new office.

It says welcome 2 the 2^nd worst building here. The worst building was my

old building, moving up! gah!

Jenn:
Are you having a happy happy time?

Melody:
Did you wanna get a tattoo while you’re here?

Brittany:
Ok I suck I’m sorry.

Josh:
Hapi birf de!

Maddy:
Besuretodrinkyourovaltine?
A crummy commercial? Son fo a bitch! (merry Christmas!)

John S:
Bah hum bug everyone! Coal! Coal Coal!

January 2009

Jeremy:

(in the middle of all the Happy New Year Txts)

Happy Halloween!!!

Gail:
Gail is two doors down from where Candice is sitting in her old room

But didn’t feel like commenting about it on fb.

Jon C:

Check your emails I am going to find some way of making this trivia night work

If I have to strip naked and dance the Charleston goddammit!

Gail:
Instead of a video game, this trip will be marked by “signing times”

Greg:

Yeah. What kind of trivia? You calling me out how cute.

Money on the line? I’ll take a piece of the action. Nah I don’t want to hurt anyone. :)

Who is on the ten thousand dollar bill? Huh? Take that…no google permitted.

Yeah it’s on like ping pong.

Oliver: (regarding tattoo)

Ooooh exciting!

Congratulations girl…treasure this feeling.

Melody:

Picmsg of her wearing a sweater I forgot in Hawaii

Oh what a lovely jacket.

Gail:

OH NO! Totally MY fault!

Your OVAL! YOUR OVAL!!!

Maybe subconsciously I REALLY want it. I’m so passive aggressive.

Josh:

Buttver.

Brittany:
Wow I wish I was drunk.

John H B:

It is so hard to run w/ a stomach full of tofu

Oliver:

that's awesome

closet nerd

My lunch told through txts

Bernadette:
11:41am Hey I just parked in front of Gold Club.


Tobi:
12:13pm Boobs every where help.



Gold Club is a pretty popular spot for lunch on Fridays. You can get an all you can eat buffet for $5 entry fee.


Oh and it's a strip club. Where women dance nekkie.

And tobi's a gay male. I am a salesperson.

Company outings are fun.

So after the last txt msg one..which was the most popular post to date with a whopping 4 comments..
my older sis tells me i should start a drunk post blog.


and then i was like, "isn't that what this is?"

and pointed her in the direction of the drunk post label (now in the spiffy new label cloud, woot to Eric!)

And then I was like, wait, do I drunk post that much?




ps. I'm drunk. Right. Now.

The HUGE txt msg log.

I am currently at 816 txt msgs in my inbox. As one would guess, my phone is working REALLY slowly right now.

There's some funny shit in there, so I didn't want to erase it 'til i blogged it in some shape or form.

So here it is. Some of it's out of context...and that's the way I like 'em.


Oldest first:
October '07
Kate K:
pic msg of Boba Fett, "I want, $325 :("

Rhett:
Yes. Foxtail v kite. Fight of the century.

My sister:
My prof talks like the priest from princess bride. With a chinese accent. For some reason I want to kill him.

Rhett:
I knew the Goth chick in u would freak

Rhett:
This is the drunkest text I've ever read.

John: (from my living room couch)
Want to say goodbye but I don't know which room is yours LOL!

Eric: pic msg of an entombed rattlesnake
What does your boss bring in from home?

Older Sister: pic msg of my niece falling asleep for the first time on her own
unbelievable.

Little Sister:
You're a WTF. White Typical Filipino. Ha ha ha.

Kate:
Marry, fuck or kill: Aunt Jemima, the Pillsbury Doughboy, or the Oscar Meyer Weiner Guy...


December '07

Eric: no txt, just a picture of him celebrating the UH win when I was in Hawai'i and he was in San Jose.

Mom: (actually it was my little sister txting from her phone, my mom doesn't know what txts are)
Hi, you're my favorite daughter.

My little sister:
OMG you SO write slash type like how we talked crap about.

Rhett:
Where r u, Bitch!

Rhett:
-Ok. Good job. Stollbpn for a movie tmr?
-(next morning) Wow. I was fucked up. Totally don't remember this txt conversatoin. 4:00 Juno?

Josh:
Felic Navidad!


Rhett:
-No thanks. I'm on day 2 of a hangover anyway.
me:
-me too.
Rhett:
-I have not felt like this since 21st bday. No Idea what happened.
me:
-I'm having the worst hangover of my life. If you told me killing a kitten right now would help I would do it.
Rhett:
-Candice, killing the RIGHT kitten will help.
me:
-Shit. It must have been the wrong kitten.

January '08

During the Sugar Bowl:
Christian:
Colt Brennan Sucks!
My little sister:
-That's okay. Hopefully someone gets punched. I hope the GA team gets gonorrhea from their cheerleaders.
-Oh and joel says the GA QB is one chromosome away from down syndrome.
---

Keane:
Simpsons movie worse the 2nd time.


Rhett:
-That's not english!
-I have no idea what u r talking about, but I can tell you have been drinking

Chris K:
I'm a douchebag!

Febuary '08

My little sister: picture of the huge back tattoo she just got..
"Don't kill me."

Rhett:
Me wantee drinkee.

Eric:
fuckin wondercon craziness woohoo

Eric:
Time to shoot your engineers! Site is down again!!

Kate:
I just scored a bubble umbrella! Take that rain!

Rhett:
U r so coming in costume tomorrow.

Lil Sis:
So me and mom are at cpk and we ordered a salad and a pizza. And the waitress was like did you want the salad to come out first or did you want them to come out at the same time? And mom just did her stare and said it comes with a salad?!
I was like MOM! We ORDERED a salad!

Jeremy(roomie)
"Hey Dirty! Baby I got ya money Dont u worry!" -O.D.B.

Jeremy:
Just thought you'd like to know the new roomie cleaned out the microwave.

March '08

Brendan:
Word. H4x0rz up n00bs down.

Lil Sis: pic msg of her burger king kids club card from like 10 years ago.

Paul C:
This is the best creme egg in the history of the universe. You've made up for the Bon Jovi mistake earlier.

Lil sis:
And at your white trash party dont forget to chew gum with your mouth open.

and i just broke it scrollin through

Oliver:
Holy shit. my only advice is don't kill anybody.

lil sis:
Mom seriously jacked two holy waters when the priest said take one. Seriously, it's not the holy grail.

Oliver:
Yarr i do but i have movie plans with a friend who's in town. plus apparently your text was an hour and a half ago.

Tobi:
Yup I love it tobi in the city of hot bois well there better be. I want clam chowder.

Kelsey:
Love you drunky.
Get up and get in bed mother fucker (apparently I was on the ground)

April '08

Rhett:
So Brittany just saw her first metal show.

Kelsey:
you rule.

Kat:
I just heard this gay guy say "girl you do NOT let your faghag get that drunk. That's gay boyfriend 101!" and then we walked past nizario's pizza and saw a girl fall off her seat. Her gay bf caught her though.

Kat:
Nah i'm trying to quit, it's cutting into my cocaine money

Lil sis
Im gonna kill ticketmaster

Brendan: picmsg of Papyrus
OMG ITS IN MY HOUSE

Oliver:
Watch out for stray quickenings.

Brendan: picmsg of papyrus
Its in my parents house!!!

lil sis studying in the law library:
OMG it's weird in here. Like all the desks are taken. There are books and picture frames on the desks but no one sitting there. Almost like the seats are assigned or everyone marked their territory or something
Of like their babies or significant others. It was weird. Like how you walk intoa n office full of grad student desks. Messy too.
I left! There was NO where to sit. And it was weird. Like different place weird.

Bob:
Tell Rhett I always kinda wanted to do him too. Sorry Tom.


May '08

older sis:
Buy chinese dress? Cross fingers not racist? haha. Was going 2 ask u 2 buy anyway regardless. Firm believer crossing fingers acceptable method 2 clear soul.

Oliver:
What's the flower for being a bad ass motherfucker?

Oliver:
Y'ALL CAN'T WALK NO LINE

Brendan: Picmsg of Papyrus bumper sticker saying "Create the World You Want To see"
How about a world without papyrus?

Keane:
Thanks for coming last night! It really means a lot. I woke up picking bills off the floor and trying to remember what happened. Like Memento without the Tattoos.

Rhett:
Your a bad person
Oliver:
honestly I'm too drunk to provide legal advice. I say go for it.

Maddy:
Lol. isn't it a lil early to be drinking?

Jeremy:
I'm making spam loco moco for dindin. Jealous?


Berna:
Are we going to be dino twins? You wear brontosaurus?

Dan:
Take off my socks. Ooh baby baby

June '08

Brendan:
Guh. I went to whole foods and there was so much papyrus . I almost fainted.


Okay done.
That took an HOUR and a HALF. jesus. Erasing phone now. Feels good.

EDIT:
Rhett wanted to put his side of the story. And since he has an iPhone, here's his side. I leave it up to you to put the pieces in the right place. It's part of the fun

rhettg said...

Those texts are decidedly one sided.... where is the OUTBOX Candice!!!

Candice: Devo! Whip it! i font know how but I got in

Candice: Drunk

Candice: DRUNK AS FUCK

Candice: Buzzd

Candice: Totally drunk at YOUR APARTMENT

Candice: Is it illegal to play with a baby while intoxicated

oh, the irony

so, the tv is finally gone.

I hadn't told all my roommates this.

So during the movie tonight i get a txt msg from one of them I'm assuming right after he got home:

"Awwww. That sucks. And I just bought a PS3"