Txt msgs, First Quarter of 2010

I've decided to only do these once every three months. Every 'quarter' if you will. I promise that maybe one day I will start blogging again.

January

Brittany: Penis

Scott: Scott? Who's Scott?!?

Kat: Dude, fully stocked mini fridge. It's like they wanted me to have a party.

Emily: OMG! Talk with him before he starts tripping.

Oliver: SHOOTIN GUNS BITCHES
Oliver: just guns with the shooting. not shooting bitches.

Brittany: Personalize ur booze texts!
Brittany: I DESERVE MY OWN SHIT!!!!!!!

Mary: Guy in sequin jacket?

S: Those who know, do. Those that don't, yap their pie holes at parties.

Cache: Hehe...I'm a leg humper...hahahahahahaha

Alex: Sweet. You still have time to sober up, go out, and get drunk again. The night is young.

Rhett: Omg. We're playing against Tits-No-Face.

Brittany: BOOM!

Alex: I am going to kill so many villagers. Er, uh, natives.
Alex: Can I borrow you?
Alex: It's not that I want to burn anyone to death.

February

Oliver: you know...if someone were to judge you by your text messages, they might think you had a drinking problem.

Hillary: *we* did, but our team was full of idiots.

Oliver: sick octo.

Bernadette: My mom just said she loves Sarah Palin. Can I get off the rock any faster?

Ron: Hey, what's the name of the hats that Devo wears?

Me: Energy domes. Why?

Ron: Strategic BBQ purposes.

Angela: Now that I'm no longer drunk, I think that rice would be awesome with the beef stew!

Sean: You're running out of time.

Sean: Like a douche wrapped up in the night.

Sean: And I'm here. To remind you. Of the mess that you left when you went away. It's not fair, to deny me...You you you outta know.

Angela: I hate having to sleep.

Hillary: I might be watching new season of '16 and Pregnant'

Bernadette: "IKEA", not "okra". Damn auto-correct.

Melody: Do people wear super thick snow jackets there? Or would I look like a douche?

Ron: Livin' On A Prayer still equals Candice.

March

Kat:

OMG just ran after my runaway shopping cart in the Ikea parking lot & caught it inches away from slamming into a car. I feel like a superhero.

Scott:

[picture message with a picture of his own copy of this shirt]

"Admit it, you've never loved me more. =)"

Gail:
MAKE MY DINNER U LAZY BUMS

Alex:

I am so proud of you. My hangover is hungover. GOOD TIMES.

then...

Alex:

I think I am still drunk from last night. I feel really salty. Are you still standing?

later...

Alex:

I want to crawl into a ditch and die, but the crawling would take too much effort.

Brittany:

Must. Have. Pho. Tomorrow. Please. Advise.

Gail:

WTF. Bridget keeps calling Steven Colbert 'Grandpa'. 2 year-olds are weird.

Angela:
No don't!!! Be Punk Rock for me!

Alex:

I am RIGHT on the corner of Castro & Market. Total protest action. Gay men in thongs.

Angela:

Rib eye steak blah blah blah

Ruby:

MJ sent us the magic box

Brittany:

Fuxk I want dim sum. Monday...=...funday?

Alex:

Are you serious? 1) Take pictures for blog. 2) This means the Gods don't want you to go home. Think about it.

Welcome to Fresno.

Post celebration dinner, I pull up the car to the parking lot of the restaurant where we're supposed to eat. I see a man standing on the other end of the parking lot bleeding profusely from his general head area.

As I pull up, my friend who is already there runs to my window, I roll it down.

N: We're not eating here.

me: Does it have to do with the bleeding gentleman behind me?

N: That's part of it, but really...they don't serve booze here.

"Song in My Head" by Sherwood

an older song..it came on internet radio and I realized it's on my iPod somewhere because it was on the original MySpace CD. Yeah, remember that whole thing? When that was a big deal?

Anyway, tonight's Insomnia-Inspired-To-Find-Video is "Song in My Head" by Sherwood.




This is what pisses me off about no more MTV the way it used to be, I've never seen this video before in my life and it's 3 years old. Yeah, I hate you right now, MTV.

Yes, I'd be mad.

Ron: hey so
Ron: if i sf sinks into the ocean after i leave it.. would u be mad?
Ron: *shifty eyes*
Candice: um
Candice:yes
Candice:all my stuff's here
Ron: ok
Candice:so are you coming up?!
Ron: some were speculating that it didn't belong on the "DO NOT DO" list
Candice: i think it belongs on the DO NOT DO list
Candice:also
Candice: it's where star trek academy is supposed to be one day
Ron: well
Ron: they could rebuild san fran
Candice: right
Candice: but
Candice: again
Candice: all my stuff's here.
Ron: so it stays where it is
Candice: thanks!

Why do I keep clicking?

Oh, my habit of clicking on links.
Sean: http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/v22940/1854/24/n100000273806139_4960.jpg

me: thefuck i just click on!?

12:02 AM helllooo

Sean: http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/v22940/1854/24/n100000273806139_4960.jpg

me: why is this happening to me

Sean: http://bit.ly/9Blv5P

12:03 AM me: am i in the nightmare?

isweartogod if a tinyurl shows up

12:04 AM Sean: http://tinyurl.com/yg2rmuv

me: SONOFA I STILL CLICKED ON IT

Sean: haha

alright, this one is good

http://is.gd/7cEPE

12:05 AM me: that's odd.

never felt like crying and laughing at the same time.

Sean: welcome to OFA!

9 minutes later
Sean: [new link]
me: I don't want to click it.

What's better?

Q: What's better than enjoying $2 draft beers at a great uncrowded bar?

A: Walking up and asking if the happy hour is still going...and getting this answer:
"Everything's free until 11:30pm tonight."



WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?




(photo by Flickr user giniger)

Goodbye 2009, hello 2010. hi text messages.

I KNOW i keep doing these, but this time i saved it for a few months and then decided to publish it.

November:

Richard:
The Filipino has landed.

Alex:
This is bravo zero. I am at madrone. I repeat: I am at madrone. Over.

Brittany:
Nothing like a vamp to lift ur spirits. BTW guess who has two thumbs and is soooo considering dim sum at this exact moment? This girl!

Brittany:
Just sang Livin' On A Prayer just for u.

Scott:
Ah. I've got dinner plans =(
(Implied subtext: with a girl)

Alex:
Sonofabitch, I typed "Kona" and it autotext suggested "Jonas"

December:

Brent:
Thanks for calling me a bitch.

Sean:
The process of sending Change Report is like giving birth each time. And I don't mean caesarean section.

Stan:
Can you grab me one? I got rum.

Sister:
I was changing [your niece's] diaper just now and she said "i hungry"
Me: "What do you want to eat"
Niece: "Spam, rice, eggs."
NO LIE.

Sean:
And support the president, bitch!
And: "Yelp is NOT a diary, motherfucker!"

Scott:
Oh! Totally want to go, but I am hung.

(over)


Melody:
Bad news. Might have to break up with joel. Says he doesn't like bon jovi. Doesn't know them too well. The bastard.


Rhett:
Whore.

Megan:
Perfect. Miso happy. (i was sitting right next to her)

Brittany:
I bet you feel like shit.

Oliver (right outside my door)
Sup can i come in or what?

Brendan:
CONFIRMED: Avatar uses papyrus subtitles.

Scott:
Ha ha. Just join a threesome to make it less awkward.

Oliver:
heh fuck that guy

Alex:
I think you might have texted the wrong dude but it's super-nice to hear from you.

Brittany: From across the bus
Yeah u? Lookin mighty fine in dem jeans!

Scott:
I'M TIRED OF THIS MOTHERFUCKIN' COBBLER!

Gail:
Sheesh lady r u alive in there?

Person:
The chances of me having a Pants-free NYE are slim to none.


JANUARY

Oliver:
Was I a superhero?

Anonymous male:
Oooooooooooh. Would it be wrong of me to hit on him if I was your date?

Me to Oliver: Drunnnnnnkkkkkk!
Oliver: It ain't even 8. impressive.

Brittany (6:52pm):
THIS is why i love you!
Brittany (6:55pm):
I fucking hate you.

Oliver:
You, madam, are a lush.

Rhett:
Ok, don't panic if u beat us.

Rhett:
Quit mass texting. I want a personal notice.
Oliver:
c-town for the hat trick!
Brittany:
How dare u get drunk for Rhett?
Rhett:
THANK YOU.

Oliver:
is everything fucked?
Oliver:
gay men will do that to ya.

Sean:
Good. Sorry about the poop. Not that I did it.

Greg:
Can't take you anywhere with me :)
LOL What a little minx

Sean:
I want you to know that I am no longer a clone tool virgin.

Jay:
Totally drunk. I wanna get away from this group of people.

Me:
Candice is to BSD Forms as Sean is to Clone Tool.
Sean:
!!! Best analogy ever

Scott:
Hey, what's the plan tonight? (Is there a plan tonight?)

Scott:
Yeah, pretty much all girls ride the hate-scott-love-scott-hate-scott train. ;-)

Brittany:
Make me breakfast!!!!

Keane:
Thanks so much for rocking out! Made a difference :)

Series of txts right after I left from my roomies right after I landed in LA

Tobi:
Crash your room ok?
Josh:
Is it okay if I crash in your room tonight?
Jeremy:
Hey, I'm really tired from watching tv can I shortcut into your room for snooze?
Me:
Um sure, but just to let you know I gave a random dude at a bar the keys to the garage.
Jeremy:
It's cool, Josh is parked in the garage tonight. Soooooo...Should I sleep Tops or bottom in your room?

Felix:
Have fun! Don't get arrested! Satan don't pay for bail.

Bernadette:
ha. Drunk texting BAD. Emphasis on TEXTING :|

Ron:
How is the s&m?
Lol no good! It could be awesomeness
Yay heat...0why am I still drinking??? 0 mebe I shoulda stayed with you guys...I am craving taco.

Gail:
Btw I asked doug if the [shooting] range was open on thanksgiving. It's like your "football"

Self Awareness

Overheard (over"saw"?) on a friend's Facebook Status:

Teresa:
i asked my roommate why i don't have any black friends up here.
he said because you ARE the black friend.

Txt time.

Melody:
Remember no sudden movements tomorrow night. Or secret service might tackle you!

Gail:
Shut it. SHUT IT RIGHT NOW.

Brittany:
Hello Bangs!!!!

Sean:
Just spit out some more racist diatribe.

John:
Word to big bird.

Txt Msg Log September 29 - Oct 5

Jay:
Drunk.
And Naked.

Me: You last txt sounded like a bot.
Sean:
Thank you for your text. A representative will follow up with you shortly.

Gail:
Tell them to suck balls til they choke and die.
Also, their breadsticks r delish.

Kat:
I'm at a Yo-Yo competition right now full of guys who look like Candice's dream boat prototypes!

normal tonight

me: I am a figment of your imagination
Nicholas: well, I could do worse when it comes to figments of my imagination
me: you could do much worse
Nicholas: indeed
me: also, drunk
Nicholas: so you're...normal tonight?
me: YES

Text message log

It's starting to annoy me that this one fills up at 200 instead of the other one at like..800. I feel there's less gold everytime.

Maybe I just don't have as many interesting txts anymore, but here they are:

Mary:
They hated it. They ripped it up and peed on it.

Greg:
I'm quotable...that rocks more than a quarry.
Yeah that greg guy is funny.
After finding out he made the last txt msg blog

"Mom":
So drunk right now.
What happens when your sister has access to your mom's phone and your mom has no idea what a txt is...not the first time this has been sent to me from "mom"


Alex:
They know you by Name here. You fuckin lush.
from a winery

Later that day from my friend that works at that same winery
David:
He is a total jerk and I asked him to leave
He is a total drunk. What kind of people r u sending me"
He hit me with the late harvest and pinned me to the ground because I wouldn't serve him.

After I msg'd my other friend to make sure he was joking
Alex: I slammed that spam-eating gook to the ground w a bottle of late harvest sauvignon blanc

Younger Sister:
Whose wine is this in the fridge? I'm about to get CRUNK

Younger Sister:
Yeah. Hood lums are up in the day too.


Alex: (a few days after the "incident" at the windery)
You know I didn't actually insult or assault david, right? We were screwing with you?

and yes...i did know

Scott:
If u were gayer I would've helped u.

Gail:
I think the Dr. was wrong when she said B was "ahead". She just did brain age and her age was 80 =(

Scott:
I convinced everyone in maine to get a gay marriage. Even the straight people.

Sean:
Just heard that idaho consumes more spam than anywhere else. True or not true. Hawaiian?

txt msg log 8/22/09 - 09/13/09

this blog is going to start becoming TFLN. Although, this blog (and the txt blogs) are OLDER than TFLN... they do have some funny ass shit though.


August
Brittany: Btw u can only talk pidgin to me whilst in Hawai'i.
(Britt making her triumphant return to my txt msg blog has managed to dog "pidgin" and use the word "whilst" in the same sentence. Bravo.)

Greg: I wanna ride an ATV. Random desire.

Shane: 379-Zulu-alpha roger agent double0

Brittany: Ur loss hoe.

apparently i'm also great to ask for ideas while drinking:
Brittany: Dude drink more. U have gold in there. I miss u btw.
Brittany: Hmmm better. Chug.
Brittany: Damn girl! THAT'S GOOD!!! now take a shot and tell me more.

Scott: It's a liberal lie! We are the body of christ incarnate!

Greg: Oh well kido been a slice

Melody: Don't forget to call me when you land! And new episode of tool academy!



And after the trip was over i get this gem from
Greg: Sounds like an orgy...but less fun.

Text message log from Hawai'i!

I'm here and having a blast. Stupid text message thingy is full and I have to erase it now.

August:
That's not a bad thing unless they're not really gay. Keep your wits about you.

Melody:
[picture of drive thru menu]
Faiol: "Picture menus available at window."'''But how do they read it?

Jeff:
Jesus may be for reform. But the Jesus Bus followers are for gigantic signs and reminding us that we are fornicators.


Rhett:
is that what that burning sensation is?

Oliver:
kitten purchased. in car.

Greg:
Fun? Alcohol? Debauchery? Perhaps pineapple? Who knows?
Dost thou cup over runneth?
Has thoust drunk in abundance this evening?
7 shots is my guess.


not too much gold in this batch unfortunately.

txt msg log, July/27/09 - Aug/09/09

Home from a party but i want to do this so i can erase my inbox...

July 27th...it begins again

JULY
Jeff: Candace, Your organizing skills around bowling are impeccable.

Rhett: Yes, yes it has. I'm a little blury and bowling. After tonight I've got Tuesdays free again.
hint hint.

Joshua H: Fucked up night at work drunk!

Rhett: That's so syncronously sweet.
Rhett: The gods have smiled on u.

Jill: Will you text when you get home okay?
Ps. wow. how did michael get so wasted?

Rhett: One trip to serra bowl a week is my limit.
Rhett: Careful, philipinos can be dangerous.

Alex: I might be fucked up on rum.

Alex: That blows, fire a red flare.
Alex: Shit, the rescue plane was shot down. A flare hit it.

Schuyler: Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuure. That's coo. Accomplish things.

AUGUST
Gail: That's ok. If u weren't drunk I don't think [your niece]would b able 2 recognize u anyway.

Rhett: Yeah, crack whores.

Gail: I haz problems.

Jeff: You want some? I can bring it, but I'll probably eat most on the plane. Any I don't eat, I'm going to sell for $10.00/eggroll. What would you rather have as a passenger? Nuts or Lumpia? I should charge more.

Alex: I am recovering from last night.

Alex: I just realized "kinkos" is one letter off "kinky"

Oliver: You have a father?

Brittany: I'm disappointed in u.

Brittany: DRUNK. DRUNK. DRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNLLLKKKKK

Alex: I just acquired scattergories. You are consumed with jealousy.

Schuyler: Cops can go crooked sometimes.

August 9. inbox erased, here we go again!

trivia!

wow, got to go to trivia tonight with two people that I haven't seen since I got let go from my job =)

It was amazing. 3 of us sharing a bucket of crappy beers followed by me buying a pitcher of blue moon. Not my favorite but one that I saw right away =)

Fun times!

More txt msgs!

It's just getting ridiculous how many txts i get now that i have a phone that's more suited to me SENDING them...I used to only do these blogs whenever it filled up. On the last one it was around the 700 mark...

JUNE
Jay: I'm fighitng it hy getting drunk?again...

me: My roommate thinks you're like us, you know...intelligent.
Ron: LOL, he has been fooled!

JULY:
One night:
Brittany: Drunnnnnnklkkk
Rhett: Druunnk
Brittany: You should meet us @ boardroom in 60 mins
Brittany: I'm at visuvios
Brittany: Rhett's House
Brittany: U took 2 long biatches
Brittany: Wanna smoke hookah?
end night


Kevin: I think it should become an expression of failure: "ah, this phonebank is so webinar"

Bernadette: That's nerdtastically hot!

Liz: It's Liz! pink is the new black by the way

Alex: So...Susan's numbah? Please?
Alex: Apparently that was NOT susan's number...

Oliver: your text was tops c-dizz

Brittany: Damn biych, I didn't know u could run!!!!

David: Quit looking at your phone and GET TO WORK

Gail: Aw. Tee Dis and bridget bonding over tattoos.

Alex: I can't tell if this is a gay bar or a hip bar in a gay city. Either way I'm gettin mad checked out.

Kate: You want to talk @ TOTALLY unfair? The Doctor Who panel is at the same time as the meet n' greet w the Mythbusters!

Same Night:
Rhett: Druuuuunk
Rhett: Fucked up. Whateves. Got nothing on u.
Rhett: I try. Ur in the right city. Don't panic. Just ur thing.
Rhett: I have no idea what we are talking about.
end night

It rhymes with "Candice"

The following words are uncommon enough in everyday language that I always think people are saying my name or talking about me:

canvas
canvass
Kansas
campus

Everyday phrase that can sometimes make me look up:

"Can this?"

This has been a public service announcement.

txt msg log...so soon?

wow. now that i have a phone that doesn't die every call & has a useful keyboard...I keep filling up my txt msgs quickly!

here we go for the latter part of june:

June:
Gail: Hmmm. Well now I feel pressured 2 live up 2 ur expctations. I
ll call a caricaturist.

Jay M: Drubk is my trugh serum

Jay M: Otally waaasred

Giannii: If you're referring to my bed then yes.

Scott: U can do it!

Scott: Hey, I'm gonna go to horse racing (seriously)

Ron: That's just how i roll...Preview for next week! Prepare yoruself!

Kate: Damn you're important!
I just gave you a shout out on a Bon Jovi song :)

Bernadette: You need a bigger nerd dating pool to swim in.

Rhett: Down girl.

Gail: For crying out loud that's fabulous! worth missing elmo tho? I think NOT! Loser!

Oliver: How do I get closer to your house?

Brittany: Drunk. Well almost. Goddamned Sarah marshal!

Scott: I'm @ the opera. holy shit!

Greg: You sobered up yet?